For a couple of years now, I have spent every summer in the Hamptons. It is probably one of the most beautiful summer hot spots to be. Only problem is, it also draws all the spoiled little brats like Lizzie Grubman, remember the crazy chick who slammed her expensive vehicle around in a Hamptons club parking lot, injuring several people. If you spend enough time in the Hamptons, you are bound to bump into someone wacky like Lizzie, and whenever I am out there, as luck would have it, they always seem to find me.
Hamptons 2003, Memorial Day Weekend. My best friend Janet and I jump in her car and cruise out to the beach. Never knowing what to expect. Janet herself is not a bodybuilder, but she is stronger than 90 percent of the woman that I know. She has huge guns, massive forearms, and can kick most guy's asses. Just a brief description. Most people start getting ready to head out for the night at about 4 p.m. Saturday to party the night away. Usually they do not even leave their Hamptons house until 11 p.m. It is a strange scene.
On this Memorial Day weekend, Saturday started with me headed out to the gym to train legs. Janet went to the beach and swam for a couple of hours. We met back at the house at 8 p.m. Janet being Italian is an amazing chef, and cooked us a spectacular dinner. One of the top clubs in the Hamptons is Rocco's, where luckily we know the owners and can walk right in and not waste time standing on stupid lines.
Once inside, we began checking out the scene and I bumped right into one of my buddies. He owns one of the largest construction companies in New Jersey, just think Sopranos. We joined him and his "posse" and the champagne started flowing. If you take a table at a major club in the Hamptons, you have to order your drinks by the bottle. I find this pretty funny, considering the champagne was Crystal at $700 per bottle! The waitresses get a kickback on every bottle, so they do whatever they have to do to keep the bottles flowing.
Here I am sitting between Vinny and Tony, just observing the scene and thinking to myself what a freaking waste of money. I heard one of the guys say the bill was $7,000. That could feed a small village in Africa. Janet and I cruised to the bathroom to lose this group, since we decided they were clearly from another planet.
Vinny and Tony paid the bill and hopped into their stretch limos. They were looking for Janet and myself as we hid in another corner of the club. Two nice young guys were standing near us and asked if we wanted a drink. What the hell.....The guy talking to me looked like the kid from The Wonder Years all grown up (let's call him Doogie). It was clear that the other guy worked for him. By now it is 3 a.m.
The one thing you cannot do in the Hamptons is drink and drive. You can easily get pulled over, and if you have had more than one beer, expect to spend the night in jail. Doogie invited us to check out his boat which was docked right outside the club. I really wanted to go home at this point, but it was either sleep in the car or have coffee and sober up, which would clearly take a few hours. Anyhow, Janet wanted to check out the boat. I reluctantly agreed. I shuffled down the dock toward the boat, way down at the dock's end. Guess what...there was no boat, it was a yacht. I could already smell trouble. Not quite as large as Trump's, but close.
We took our shoes off and climbed aboard. I had never seen anything quite like it before. There were 5 bedrooms, a $200,000 stereo system, a full bar, stocked refrigerator and 3 bathrooms. Holy crap! Turns out Doogie was the son of a major contractor in Long Island. We sure know how to pick them. I could see Janet was getting pretty tired and that I would have to be "on watch." Neither one of us was ready to drive 30 minutes back to the house yet. I took a seat, folded my arms, grabbed a bag of potato chips, and started my night shift. Janet quickly grabbed one of the bedrooms, Doogie' s sister and friends were in the other bedrooms. Next thing I know, Doogie's buddy, "Gilligan", decided he too would sleep in Janet's bedroom.
I just sat there munching away, waiting for the poor jerk to have his head ripped off. It only took a few minutes. Janet and Gilligan had 2 different agendas, and she made that quite clear. Doogie passed out in his bedroom, and then Janet passed out in hers. Gilligan took off angrily.
Hours passed. It seemed like days as I sat there waiting for the sun to come up. A new beautiful day finally arrived. I yawned, thought I would be tired but I felt great. I hopped off the couch and headed into Janet's bedroom to wake her. I wanted to get out of there before Doogie and his sister woke up. I remembered that before we went below on the yacht Doogie told us to leave our shoes and valuables on the top deck. I had my doubts and took my bag with me. We tiptoed up to the top deck. Janet looked around for her stuff, money, wallet, cell phone, keys to the car, and shoes. Guess what. They were gone! Now I know nobody climbed on board because I was up the entire night. Goofball Gilligan was obviously pretty pissed since Janet must have said a mouthful to him, which he deserved. After searching the yacht, it was clear that Janet's stuff was gone. And we both knew it was Gilligan who had thrown her stuff overboard with his panties all in a twist. Gilligan was obviously used to getting his way.
Frustrated and freaked, we luckily still had my money, which was enough to get us back to the house. All I remember after that is Janet looking for her spare car keys and trying to get a ride back to Rocco's to pick up her car. I went up to my bedroom, shoved in my earplugs, pulled the blanket over my head and passed out. Thinking back I am not sure if I had a good night, but I do know it was an experience that neither Janet nor I will ever forget.
Memorial Day 2004 I am keeping a low profile and watching the fleet and its sailors here in New York and Hoboken. Good idea!